They say the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” I found that asking my kid “How was your day?” drops squarely inside that category.

I get it; the question seems fair and should have a simple reply. The operative word here is “should.”

Most parents know that the answer unfailingly to that question is, “Fine” or worse, “I don’t know.” followed by, “Can I go play on my (insert electronic game) now?”.

After many fallen attempts at this question, I decided to revise my strategy.

The Power of Purposeful Questions

As parents, we have a natural desire to stay connected with our children and understand what is happening in their lives. And, the classic question of “How was your day at school?” may not always be the best way to start a conversation.

Conversely, when you ask purposeful questions that trigger your child’s imagination, creativity or sense of humor, you engage them in a whole new way. You show them that you can be silly, fun and are interested in what THEY are interested in (beyond school and academics).

In our family, we have found that when we consistently connect to our child by asking questions tailored to her interests, it shows her we are interested in her, as a person, and not just academics. This results in a deeper bond, and ultimately, she tends to open-up on her own about school without being prompted.

Our Solution

As with most situations, there is a time and place. I realized that when she gets home from school, she is worn out and needs some downtime, so that isn’t the right time.

So, I decided to ask her my new silly questions during dinner (although any other time could work as long as it isn’t the moment she walks in the door).

I recognized that what my eight-year-old was interested in was her friend. So, one day at dinner, I asked her, “Which of your friends do you think could fart the loudest?” She did a triple take, couldn’t hold in her laughter, and said, “definitely, Samatha.”

I knew I was on to something. I followed that question with, “Which kid in your class could win the “Roblox World Competition”? She said, “Mike.”

Now, the moment we sit down to eat, I ask five different questions. I call it the “The 5 Question Game”. At first, she resisted, but after a few rounds, she started to look forward to it. Now, she loves it, and wants me to ask BONUS questions!

The 5 Questions Game

The 5 Question Game will transform your relationship with your child, spark creativity, boost self-esteem and encourage open communication.

The science is real. When you ask purposeful questions that trigger your child’s imagination, creativity or sense of humor, you engage them in a whole new way. You show them that you can be silly, fun and are interested in what THEY are interested in, beyond school and academics.

The proven benefits of our purposeful questions:

• Better connection with your child
• Encourages open communication
• Increased self-esteem
• Increased creativity
• Increase sense of belonging and being valued
• Promotes positive social skills
• Provides insight into their personal interests
• Provides insight into their thinking process
• Encourages critical thinking skills

Buy on Amazon

The 110 carefully crafted questions, purposefully curated, in multiple areas of interest, are perfect to ask your child instead of “How was your day?” and to spark conversation on car rides, during dinner or during your bedtime routine.

You’ll find 110 questions to ask your child in the following areas:

• Personal Questions
• Silly Questions
• School Related Questions
• Friends Related Questions
• Family Related Questions
• Hobby/Toy Related Questions
• TV/Book Related Questions
• Animal Related Questions
• Imagination Related Questions

The post Stop asking your kids “How was your day?” Do this instead. appeared first on The FriDate Blog.

Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset

Here are some examples I took from the book that can easily explain the difference between a growth or fixed mindset. I find that by reading these examples, you can identify for yourself, and others, where they fall.

The Growth Mindset

People with a Growth Mindset:

• Believe the hand they are dealt is just the STARTING point for development
• Seek experiences that will stretch themselves over the tried-and-true that they know
• Believe that qualities can be cultivated
• Understand that exceptional people can identify their own strengths and weaknesses
• Tend to convert setbacks into successes

In a growth mindset, failure happens but doesn’t define you. They know that they can improve and cultivate new qualities so they see a failure as an opportunity to learn and growth. Failure is a challenge, not a final destination.

The Fixed Mindset

People with a Fixed Mindset:

• Believe the hand they are limited by the hand they are dealt
• They believe that qualities are carved in stone, they have them or they don’t
• They create urgency to constantly prove themself
• Won’t put in effort if they believe they’ll fail
• They don’t ask for help and are not coach-able
• If they don’t think they will succeed, they avoid it
• Fear challenge and devalue effort
• Sensitive about being wrong and making mistakes

In a fixed mindset, failure happens are seen as incompetence. Because they believe they’re basically born with a talent or not, and don’t believe they can acquire qualities like getting smarter, be great at a sport etc.. They allow the failure to define them. If they can’t improve, then why try at all?

How do you develop a Growth or Fixed Mindset?

You develop a Growth or Fixed Mindset through your experiences. We’ve all heard, and probably have told the story of a baby learning to walk. Babies struggle, they fall, but they always get back up again and eventually, they all learn to walk. Now, I want you to think of how the baby reacts when try to walk. Most often, the parents cheer, smile and give their approval of their EFFORT. And when the baby falls, again the parents stand them right back up, smiling and cheer them on for their EFFORT. This parent behavior tells the child that falling is part of learning.

Praising EFFORT creates a Growth Mindset.

What do you think would happen if the parents didn’t reward the EFFORT but only the END RESULT? Think of the same story. What if the baby fell and the parents looked on in disappointment and just told them to try harder next time? How do you think that would effect the baby’s confidence and desire to try again?

Praising RESULTS creates a Fixed Mindset.

Fast forward and your sweet baby learning to walk is not eight-years-old and is learning how to multiply. Do the parents and teachers offer the same cheering on and approval of their EFFORT during the learning process? Do parents and teachers reward the EFFORT or the END RESULT?

The Power of YET

The most simple, YET effective strategy to help turn your (or your kids) fixed mindset into a growth mindset!

I can’t do this… YET!

This doesn’t work… YET!

I didn’t score a goal… YET!

I don’t know how to do that… YET!

How we initially f’d up BOTH of our daughters

We have two daughters. And, initially, we screwed up with both in this area.

Our Eldest

We wanted her to have high self-esteem and confidence. So when she did anything at all, we told her how SMART she was or even worse how she was the BEST (ugh.. cringing as I write this). We thought we were helping her self-esteem by validating their intelligence and creating a winner.

After a few years, we began to notice that both developed a Fixed Mindset. Although we didn’t know that term at the time, we saw them pullback on learning new things and not put effort into school.

We finally sat her down and asked why she didn’t do her homework consistently. Her response, “Because you tell me how SMART I am, and I’m the BEST so why do I need to learn anything else?”

Around the time she became a teenager and got a job. We were pleasantly surprised at how she showed up as an employee. Always on time, smiling and gained praise from her employers. We put the strategies in place we learned from Mindset by Carol D. To develop her growth mindset, we started to authentically praised her WORK ETHIC, instead of her sales.

She’s now twenty-four years old. We still use the strategies when talking with her. She’s crushing it in her job. But we don’t give her praise on her sales, we give her praise on her WORK ETHIC and her desire to learn how to be a better sales rep. We praise the EFFORT she puts into her personal development. I’m happy to report that she 100% has a growth mindset, and I’m so grateful as I know it will profoundly effects her success and happiness.

Our Youngest

With out youngest, we noticed something different. She naturally was very quick witted. She grasped concepts very easily. And, unfortunately, we began to praise how SMART she was again. This time, we’d catch ourselves and go back to praising EFFORT. But something else happened, she went to a school where perfection was subconsciously encouraged. Unfortunately, when you set the bar at perfection, and then your perfect skill is reinforced with happy parents, anything less than perfect is failure.

As she entered Kindergarten I noticed that she wanted to try new things but when she did, she wouldn’t allow us to help and if she failed, she got very emotional and would cry. Ugh. She’s developing a Fixed Mindset.

We read the darn book. How could we possibly F this up AGAIN.

The good news is, all wasn’t lost, we caught is early and we knew how to help her create a Growth Mindset.

Our daily motto became, progress NOT perfection. We began to remind her that she was in school to LEARN and every-time she made a mistake, we cheered for her effort. This year, as she entered the 3rd grade, I asked her what she wanted her goal to be for the year. She said, “to be coach-able”. Ahh. My baby’s Growth Mindset is back!

Next actions…

1. Determine if you, or your kids have a Fixed or Growth Mindset.
2. Read the book Mindset by Carol D
3. Implement the strategies

Enjoy the benefits of a Growth Mindset!!!

The post Do you have a Growth Mindset or Fixed Mindset appeared first on The FriDate Blog.

The negative emotional spiral is something we’ve all experienced. You wake up late, stub your toe on the bedpost, spill your coffee on your shirt, hit all the red lights and get into the office utterly irate and it’s not even 9am yet. We’ve all had a day like this, right?

Children, like adults can get stuck in a negative emotional spiral too.

Your child comes home from school in a bad mood. You ask What’s wrong? , which just sets them off more. They stomp up the stairs to the house and slam the door. You snap at them, they snap back. Sound familiar?

This negative emotional spiral often leads to arguments and punishments between parent and child. My genius childhood friend and badass behavior consultant, Megg Thompson, gave me a fantastic strategy that has helped Sofia and I stop the cycle of arguing. It’s called Start Over Your Day.

How we Start Over Your Day

If I see that Sofia is in a negative emotional spiral, I don’t take her snapping at me personally. Instead, I acknowledge that this is either misdirected, or she’s possibly hungry or tired (just like I can be sometimes).

I’ll say something like, “Sofia, it looks like you’re sad/upset/angry and you’re taking it out on me. Would you like to Start Over Your Day?”

Or, maybe we began arguing over something small, and it’s escalating to an inappropriate level of anger.

I’ll say something like, “Sofia, we are getting too worked up over this. Would you like to Start Over Your Day?”

This triggers Sofia to examine her words and behavior. It also gives her a safe place to pull back on her anger. Then, we make it funny to change our emotional state.

Typically, we hug and rest our heads on each others shoulder. We close our eyes and pretend to sleep. I fake-snore, which makes her laugh. Then I remind her that I love her, she typically responds with the same. Then we can have a conversation with cooler heads, and in a more loving manner about whatever we disagreed about in the first place.

Does this work 100% of the time? Of course not. But more often than not, this strategy works to bring the energy back to love and laughter so we can have a calm conversation.

Also, this strategy changes their emotional state from a negative emotional spiral (anger and sadness) into positive emotional spiral (love and laughter).

Give it a try and let me know how this strategy works for you!

P.S. Check out Megg’s website! She has tons of videos and strategies that will help you understand your children’s needs and positive love-based, behavior strategies.

The post How to Stop the Negative Emotional Spiral appeared first on The FriDate Blog.

Five years ago, I would’ve said the EXACT same thing. In fact, I did. It wasn’t for a lack of trying. I’d sit in the mediation pose and boom… thought… another thought… a thought Olympics, then, I’d quit.

Now, I can sit in a quite or even a noisy and meditate easily. So, what’s the difference?

I HAD TO UNDERSTAND THE WHY BEHIND MEDITATION

Like most things in life, everything shifted when the WHY was bigger than the WHY NOT.

I was an overwhelmed Mom with a defiant teenager in her last year of high school, and a little one still in diapers. I wasn’t sleeping well and we still had multiple businesses that needed my attention. My time was definitely not my own and I didn’t feel like myself. My inner-being knew what I needed and nudged me to walk into the yoga studio on my block.

I had done yoga once, in college. Day one, I was terrified. I felt like the tin-man, but I also knew my body needed this. I crept into the dimly lit room, went all the way to the back and just tried to figure out what I was supposed to be doing. After a few classes, I was able to figure out the movements. After a few months, I no longer needed to watch the demonstration, I could close my eyes and just flow. Then one day it happened. I hit a point of mind-body connection that I hadn’t felt since the birth of my baby Sofia.

The class flew by, I barely remembered what we did. Then, we got into our final pose, the beloved shavasana, tears began to flow. I couldn’t control it or explain where it came from. But, the release felt so good. Then, I felt a tingle all over my body. It was like a energetic hug from the Universe. I was connected. Connected to what? You need to decide that for yourself. Maybe my inner-being, God, who knows. But it was real. It was emotional. It was addicting.

My daily 90 minute flow became a moving meditation. The experience was different every time, but one thing stayed the same, I knew when I was connected. I felt plugged in and recharged. My life began to shift. I became less stressed, I was more go with the flow (pun intended). I began to trust in my path, even though I couldn’t see past the next few steps. I started trusting my intuition over everything.

The meditation benefits that I experienced from my moving meditation where exactly what all the medical journals, experts and books talk about. My personal meditation benefits included better mood, better ability to deal with stress, my heart rate was lower and I was happier. It was life changing.

THERE’S NOT JUST ONE WAY TO MEDITATE

My journey through meditation began with yoga. It was what I needed at the time to start. But, I still struggled with just sit criss-cross-applesauce style meditation. My mind was still so busy, I knew the meditation benefits were immense, and I was curious to explore more.

I began diving into Gabby Bernstein’s books, the first, The Universe Has Your Back. With my book purchase, she had free downloads, which I was happy to try. I found it easier to stay focus when I was being guided. So, I downloaded more of her guided meditations. They were quick, each had a unique purpose behind it. Soon, I had a library of guided meditations.

Then 2020 happened. My mind began racing with all of the fears, panic, outrage, stress that the world was feeling. And, so was my husband’s. Except his was creating full-on panic attacks in the middle of the night. He tried everything from NLP therapists to sleep supplements. Nothing worked long-term.

Then, someone mentioned the meditation benefits of specifically transcendental meditation (TM). He had heard of it before, but never took action on learning it because the TM technique involves practicing 20 minutes twice per day, and needs to be taught by a TM certified instructor. But, at this point, he was ready to try anything. Again, the WHY became greater than the WHY NOT.

Shortly thereafter, he booked the class and began learning TM. The more consistent he was with TM, the more he had the TM meditation benefits of releasing the fear/anxiety and negative thoughts that were packed into his subconscious. The more clear his subconscious was, the lesser the panic. TM isn’t necessarily a spiritual practice, but it’s definitely a physiological one.

With the overwhelm of the world on my shoulders, and knowing how much it helped him, I decided to book a class. On day one, I learned why I originally “couldn’t mediate”. Ready for this?

I thought the point of meditation was to “keep my mind clear”. So when my to-do list or other thought came into my mind, I felt like I was failing. What I learned was each thought that comes up, comes from the subconscious, the more I allow the thoughts to come up and leave, the more my subconscious processes. The more my subconscious processes, the more clear my mind. The more clear my mind is, the less stress I have, my mood is better and I’m more present.

The goal of meditation isn’t to FOCUS on a clear mind. It’s to not focus at all. In TM you are given a silently-used sound called a mantra. It’s a word without meaning so it doesn’t provoke thought. When you find your mind wander, you come back to your mantra.

I truly feel like anyone can do it — even if you “can’t meditate”

• No trying to “empty the mind”
• No mindfulness (monitoring of thoughts)
• No concentrating
• No control of the mind

It’s simple, it works (and they have a children’s program).

HOW DOES THIS APPLY TO CHILDREN

Our children are being inundated with more stressors than ever before. School, friends, social media, internet usage, world news all play a role in creating stress, worry and fear. We can’t protect them from everything. Their subconscious is storing data non-stop, and if they don’t process that information, it stays inside and manifests in behavior, lack of sleep, irrational fears and anxiety.

They need the meditation benefits as much, if not more than adults.

Exposing them tools, like mediation, can make a huge difference and teach them to lean into unlocking the WHY behind the stress instead of moving into vices like drugs, alcohol and other substances.

WHERE TO BEGIN PRACTICING MEDITATION

As you can see from my meditation journey, there is no ONE WAY to begin. Here are some of my favorite meditation resources for adults and children.

Side note for my religious friends: Once I had a friend who is very religious say she’d never meditate because it went against her beliefs. But from what I’ve learned, Prayer is when you’re asking. Meditation is when you’re listening.

ADULT RESOURCES

Gabby Bernstein Meditations: Gabby will lean more woo-woo, spiritual and angel guidance. If you’re open to that, it can be life changing.

The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Bernstein : The book I began with to begin my spiritual rabbit-hole journey.

Transcendental Meditation or TM : Not woo-woo or based in religion, this mediation technique is backed by scientific studies. There are TM centers around the world, and the payment for classes is on a sliding scale of what you can afford.

CHILDREN’S RESOURCES

Cosmic Kids: Cosmic Kids is a perfect entry level yoga and/or mediation app for younger children (I’d say under 10). Sofia listens to Jamie’s meditations through the Cosmic Kids App every night before bed and loves her short stories too!

Headspace for Kids: So many options for wind-down music to guided mediations. Headspace is a great option for adults and kids!

The Power of Your Child’s Imagination by Dr. Charlotte Reznick: Dr. Reznick is an LA based counselor that helps children manage stress and anxiety. Her book details the 9 tools that children can add to their toolbox. We personally hired Dr. Reznick to help Sofia through 2020/21 and our move to Europe. On her website, you can also find meditations for children.

MEDITATION WRAP UP

Like it or not, our kids imprint from us, both the positive and the not so positive. If you find yourself, like I was, overwhelmed, stress and it’s effecting your mood and connections AND you’re open to a solution. Just the meditation benefits alone are a reason to try it, what do you really have to lose? Add meditation to your family’s toolbox. They’re never too young to learn self-care and how to handle the stresses of life. Meditation can be a game changer for you and your family if you let it.

The post Meditation Benefits, Why Meditate and My Resources appeared first on The FriDate Blog.

What are the real benefits of practicing gratitude?

According to a recent Harvard Study, “Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.”

If people who practice Gratitude have been shown to have higher levels of happiness and optimism, better sleep, less stress and an improved ability to cope with stress; why wouldn’t you want to start a gratitude practice for kids early in life?

Gratitude is a cornerstone in my life, so consequently, it was important to me to instilled this practice in my children.

Here are my top 5 tips and strategies for making Gratitude part of your family’s daily life.

TIP 1: Do you have a Consistent Gratitude Practice?

Firstly, the most important gift you can give your child, other than your time, is a lesson on how to practice Gratitude. As we know, kids do what we DO and not always what we say. Therefore, if you want grateful children, then you need to step-up and be the role model. Making gratitude a cornerstone of your life will rub off on your kids. And, remember to be mindful of how you talk, what you complain about and how you show your gratitude in everyday activities (vs. just in a daily practice). Also, don’t be afraid to share your gratitude outside of the daily ritual or routine. In my opinion, they will learn best if this is a FAMILY practice.

TIP 2: When should you begin teaching your kids to practice Gratitude?

Answer: NOW!

The younger the better. The first 5-7 years of a child’s life are very formative. Their brains are little sponges and absorb everything.

Kids 0-2:

In the same way our littlest kiddos learn ‘mama’ ‘doggie’ ‘dada’ by hearing/seeing repetition, they can learn gratitude. Make it a practice to tell your babies daily what YOU are grateful for about them and your life. While they may not understand the words, but they will understand the emotion and love.

Kids 2-5:

This is where the practice begins to really form. My suggestion is gratitude part of your bedtime routine. For example, when Sofia was two-years old, we began our practice at night while we snuggled together before she went to sleep. Firstly, I would ask her 3 Things she was grateful for, and then I’d tell her my 3 things as well, as well as WHY I was grateful (so she could begin to learn what gratitude meant).

Watch this video for details on how we taught Sofia Gratitude and hear an actual recording from one of our earliest Gratitude practices!

Kids 5-12:

In this age range, your child will understand the concept of Gratitude. As we get closer to the “preteen” years, it is especially important to prioritize connection and maintain a deep, soulful relationship with our kids. Therefore, making Gratitude a joint-family practice is a great way to bond and learn about each other.

During 2020, my daughter Sofia and I began to use a gratitude journal to record our evening practice. But, we found that the journal we purchased asked the same questions daily and got boring.

Also, Sofia really enjoyed hearing my gratitude practice as well, and the journal we bought had no place for me to write. So, we had an inspired idea to create a special gratitude journal for a parent and child to do together each night before bed. It only takes 3-5 minutes, guides you through questions and will also be a keepsake that you can look back on.

12 WEEK FAMILY GRATITUDE JOURNAL by Sofia & Kimberly Murgatroyd, now available on Amazon!

Kids 12-18:

Obviously, as kids start to get older, they get busy and bedtime routines are typically on their own. So, having a family gratitude practice can get harder. At that point, they may even have their own Gratitude journal or practice. But, I think it’s still important to share as a family. So, you may opt to start a new family ritual to connect. Maybe it’s an after dinner walk, a family game night or even a nightly hot chocolate and chat time. When our older daughter was a teenager, we chose to do our gratitude practice verbally at family dinner, as it was the one place we knew we’d all be together. My suggestion, get creative and make it something THEY want to do. Moreover, get your kids involved in the discussion and ask them to help design a ritual that they’d be excited about joining.

TIP 3: Be Consistent with Your Family Gratitude Practice

Make it a part of your DAILY Routine. When kids are little, it’s easy to add a Gratitude practice or journal to their bedtime routine. It’s a great way to wind down, connect and go to sleep with a full and happy heart.

TIP 4: Don’t Over-complicate Your Gratitude Practice

You can Pinterest 4,000 great ideas of how to practice gratitude. Aps, journals, jars, posters… the list is endless. The best ideas are the easiest and the one you and your kids will ENJOY! Over-complicating this ritual will lead to avoidance of doing it. The KISS principle applies. Keep It Simple Silly-goose

TIP 5: Recognize Your Child’s Attitude of Gratitude

Often as parents, we have a habit of catching our kids being “ungrateful”, but rarely focus on recognizing them when they do something right. Anytime you see/hear your child offer gratitude, acknowledge and celebrate it. The more you praise the practice, they more they feel comfortable sharing their gratitude.

Here’s an example. Last night, I was walking back to my hotel with Sofia, who has a cold and stuffy nose. As we walked, she said “Mommy, I really appreciate how much you take care of me.” I stopped, hugged her and told her how much I love her and appreciated her sharing that with me. To which she replied “Did I just make you cry?”. There may have been a little sweet tear rolling down my face. Unquestionably, was a beautiful moment, made possible because she has a safe place to share her gratitude and she KNOWS it’ll always be received.

CONCLUSION

In this ever changing world, it’s our job as parents to equip our children the tools they need to cope with stress, overwhelm and all that life will throw their way. At the very least, by practicing Gratitude, they are learning an appreciation of people and things in our lives, which will enhance their overall outlook. However, it’s more likely that it’ll shift their perspective of life and lead to a more balanced, less anxious and happier overall existence.

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